It's one of those (lucid) moments...

Everyday, we are faced with the reality that life is unfair. I can give you a concrete example. LAst night, I was out with my boyfriend, we ate dinner at a pizza place, had pasta, pizza & drinks. I was totally hungry so I was enjoying food as usual. But then I heard voices outside the restaurant, kids' voices, huddled up in one corner in the parking lot. They are street kids, out there in the night, without the clothes that could protect them from possible rain or the cold evening. There I was, inside a comfy restaurant, fully dressed in my office wear, eating a 500 peso meal. Life could not be more unfair than that. What's sad is it does not only happen in this town and this country. I have been in different places in the Philippines and other countries, but sadly, I am faced with the same situation. Kids starving, kids working day & night, out in the streets. It is downright frustrating and personally, I feel shameful. Shameful, because I sometimes feel I don't care enough, I cant give them the things they need, shameful because sometimes I spend too much, enough that could get them by for a week, I am ashamed that I complain too much about my "miserable" life. But these kids, they can still afford to smile and laugh. I actually have this distinct memory of the face of this little sampaguita girl who approached me one night when I was in a mall. She was all smiles, that innocent smile she had on her face, I bought her sampaguita and on my way home, I was crying. I felt so sad and angry. I am angry at the world, to the girl's parents.. how can they let that little girl work alone in the night, in this world not safe enough even to the well-guarded politicians? In the Philippines alone, 11% out of 38.32M kids (below 18 yrs of age) are engaged in child labor. 28% suffers from severe underweight (age under 5) and 36% are suffering from wasting and stunting. Im sure there are a lot of unreported cases, and these percentages can rise up. According to UNICEF though, the Philippines have been doing well and have progressed a lot over the years on this area. I respect UNICEF a lot, I think it's a great organization, but how can they say such crap? In what definition have they equated Philippines and progress? But deep inside, being a Filipino, I am hoping that they are right and I am wrong, that the Philippines is indeed improving and is really trying to make the lives of these kids a little better. That our country is really trying hard to do something for the betterment of their future. Our country's future.

I am hopeful that someday this will change, that children will be in the streets playing instead of working. That thay would have loving, sensible parents that could provide them food, shelter and education. That there would be enough people around the world who would make sure they are safe and they'd grow up as good persons. I hope I can be one of them. I hope that in a few years or so, I can really do something about it and not just write about it.

What the!?

Sometimes, things are not really what they seem. And I hate it that I did not realize it sooner than I should have. I let myself be caught off-guard in a no-win situation. And now, I feel like a complete mess, a stupid idiot trapped in a web that I put unto myself.
I hate admitting I made a mistake and that I did not listen to what my friends said about this. I hate it that I made a wrong judgment on this person. I hate feeling guilty for every ______ , ___ _______, ____, ____ ______ & that ___ ____________ __ ___ ____ ______. I hate that I ever got into those things. Everybody’s right. I should have not let it get this far. I had the chance to stop it earlier when I was not yet feeling anything towards this person, but there I was, continuing the so-called friendship we have. And now here I am, lamenting over something that makes me go crazy, obsessing on something that maybe this person does not give a darn about. I hate the inequality of things. I hate not having any right to feel what I feel, say what I want to say & do what I want to do. Because I know it is wrong. Darn wrong. And so what if I think this person feels the same way, I am not part of this person's real world. I am a part of a dream world, a world where one can get the best of both worlds, a world devoid of consequences & risks, a safe world, a world in between, an indecisive & cowardice world. That is where we belong and I regret that I ever set foot in that world. I will step out of it. I am trying to. Believe me, I am. I will make a choice. I will stray away from the safe side and venture into the real world. I know, It'll be sad doing this but, there is no other way out of this pseudo world I have created.